November 2007

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I am sure you will agree when I say that being dumped totally sucks! There you are all in love with the “perfect” guy, fantasizing about a fantastic future together, dreaming of passion and endless love, and then BAM! He tells you he is seeing somebody else.

All of a sudden life doesn’t make sense any more. Now it is definitely time to wonder whether it was your fault. You position yourself in front of the mirror, thinking it might have been those 3 pounds you’ve put on lately. Of course, you also have to admit that you have been a little too needy and clingy. Oh, and that dress you were wearing the other night … unacceptable.

I could go on with this list forever. Coz, let’s face it! That’s something women usually do: We think we are the reason men don’t want us.

I feel incredibly honored to be able to solve one of the greatest mysteries of “woman”kind today: It is nobody’s fault! If a relationship (of any kind) doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, girls! It just means that two people who thought they might work out don’t. Trust me girls, it’s a good thing to find that out sooner or later. Why waste your precious time on some guy who doesn’t really qualify to be the ONE!

My advice: Get yourself some tan, dress up nicely and walk through life as if nothing and nobody could ever hurt you or mess with your smile. Never forget: It’s not other people responsible for you being happy, it’s YOU! Love will come your way, even if it takes a little while sometimes! (trust me on this one! I am speaking from experience here ;-) )

Oh, and if you wake up and feel absolutely devastated because nothing seems to work out, just put on some real good music and DANCE it out!

Speaking of different versions of the same language – did you know that at school (obviously it doesn’t matter whether you study in Austria, Britain or Timbuktu) teachers only concentrate on some strange standardized version of a language nobody really uses.

My teachers spoke “Oxford” English; at least they claimed to do so. When I started teaching English I was advised to stop using this “horrible” American English I am kinda proud of. Now I am with the Language Testing Center at the University of Klagenfurt and in charge of producing listening items with all kinds of native speakers. Of course, I have already gotten some feedback on the American, South African and British speakers who have helped me with the recording. And guess what I was told: Austrian teachers focus on Oxford English (surprise!) which is why I should stick to British native speakers only!

Sure, that’s how real life works: You got, let’s say, three clones. One is British, one American and the other one is Australian. They look the same, smell the same and always say the exact same things. You just pick the one you like the most! (In some way, that’s a completely new kind of discrimination, don’t you think?!)

I was looking at his face in a way I had never looked at it before. He seemed so different. I almost took him for a stranger.

The night I got to know him in front of that van, I didn’t think we would ever establish any sort of contact. Well, obviously I wasn’t right with that. We ended up having a great time together. First being good friends who would watch TV, eat pizza or take naps on Wednesday afternoons, he finally kissed me. That one night in my room, just being friends did not seem to be an option anymore. Having a boyfriend back home did not hold me back. I was too curious about finding out what those lips would actually taste like. He was sitting right in front of me; being so close that I could feel his breath on my skin; his eyes were following every single feature of my face. There were no more thoughts, no more doubts; reason seemed to be a never-been-there quality. It was this insecurity that got me right there. Time would just stand still in those seconds before he eventually kissed me. I can still remember what I felt in this very moment. It was like his kiss had brought me back to life. His lips wouldn’t just touch my lips; instead, he let them wander along my neck. It was the first time ever that I got goose-pimples from somebody kissing my neck. My whole body started to tremble. We were wondering if we were doing the right thing; but only for a moment, not even a second. The pleasure that I was experiencing that night was too intense and too sweet to give it up for something lifeless that was waiting at home.

Now I am looking at this very same guy that I felt for that night and I can’t see him anymore. All I can see is somebody who kinda changed his mind about me. I could just press my body towards his and kiss him, kiss him until this awkward feeling goes away. Even though I could easily touch him, it feels like we were a thousand miles apart. Sitting on this stool, blue hat on and smoking one cigarette after the other, he doesn’t really care anymore. Why should I care? Why do I have to be the one telling him that I miss him; that I am actually not okay with what is happening between the two of us? If he is all cool and distant, well, so am I. Talking about some unimportant things, we both get tired of this conversation real quick. Run, girl, run before you get hurt! I look at him again, trying to find an answer but there is nothing; just emptiness. I say ‘goodbye’, turn around, go down the stairs and walk to my apartment. I would usually turn one more time to see him smile at me; but not this time. He would read sadness in my eyes and I don’t want him to feel good about that. So, I just keep walking to finally unlock my door and disappear into the darkness of my living room.

Have you ever felt completely empty on the inside? Have you ever felt nothing but darkness spreading all over your body? Have you ever stopped crying because you realized that you’ve run out of tears? I have. Too many times …

What if some people are not meant to be happy? What if some people keep running without actually knowing where they are headed? What if I am some people? I could ask a million questions but don’t expect any answer because I do not have a single one … Once being disappointed, finding myself laying on the ground, entirely devastated and broken, I have promised myself not to be hurting again. I have sworn myself to keep up my guards and not let anyone break down my defense. Got my tactics straight, determined not to get side-tracked in any way. To hell with fights, to hell with pain, and, for sure, to hell with loneliness! Following my plan, I was totally sure nothing would ever get me off track again. I was totally convinced no one would ever get the chance to hurt me the way I had been hurt before. But I forgot about one important thing. It was not other people hurting me, it was me … slowly killing my very hopes, my wishes, and my dreams. Call it my demons or the monster couching deep down inside of me … whatever it is, visible or not, it was eating me up, leaving nothing but dying dreams …

With every dream and every hope that was tardily but surely fading away, I was losing myself more and more. The moment I thought I was giving up forever, ceasing to struggle, ready to put my life into destiny’s hands, I met you. You were just standing there, smiling at me. Even if I had wanted to keep the distance … you would have caught me anyways. Just one look and you got me right there … soul–naked. Without me saying one word, you knew my whole story …

I was looking at his face in a way I had never looked at it before. He seemed so different. I almost took him for a stranger.

The night I got to know him in front of that van, I didn’t think we would ever establish any sort of contact. Well, obviously I wasn’t right about that. We ended up having a great time together. First being good friends who would watch TV, eat pizza or take naps on Wednesday afternoons, he finally kissed me. That one night in my room, just being friends did not seem to be an option anymore. Having a boyfriend back home did not hold me back. I was too curious about finding out what those lips would actually taste like. He was sitting right in front of me; being so close that I could feel his breath on my skin; his eyes were following every single feature of my face. There were no more thoughts, no more doubts; reason seemed to be a never-been-there quality. It was this insecurity that got me right there. Time would just stand still in those seconds before he eventually kissed me. I can still remember what I felt in this very moment. It was like his kiss had brought me back to life. His lips wouldn’t just touch my lips; instead, he let them wander along my neck. It was the first time ever that I got goose bumps from somebody kissing my neck. My whole body started to tremble. We were wondering if we were doing the right thing; but only for a moment, not even a second. The pleasure that I was experiencing that night was too intense and too sweet to give it up for something lifeless that was waiting at home.

Now I am looking at this very same guy that I felt for that night and I can’t see him anymore. All I can see is somebody who kinda changed his mind about me. I could just press my body towards his and kiss him, kiss him until this awkward feeling goes away. Even though I could easily touch him, it feels like we were a thousand miles apart. Sitting on this stool, blue hat on and smoking one cigarette after the other, he doesn’t really care anymore. Why should I care? Why do I have to be the one telling him that I miss him; that I am actually not okay with what is happening between the two of us? If he is all cool and distant, well, so am I. Talking about some unimportant things, we both get tired of this conversation real quick. Run, girl, run before you get hurt! I look at him again, trying to find an answer but there is nothing; just emptiness. I say ‘goodbye’, turn around, go down the stairs and walk to my apartment. I would usually turn one more time to see him smile at me; but not this time. He would read sadness in my eyes and I don’t want him to feel good about that. So, I just keep walking to finally unlock my door and disappear into the darkness of my living room.